The Starlight Arcade
by Phoenix122333
Summary: Many interesting people pass through the Starlight Arcade at one point or another, not least because of the employee known only as 'Sirius'. One thing's for sure: plots are on a need-to-know basis...and EVERYONE needs to know. Crossover. Contains massive spoilers for the plots of several fandoms; the chapter names tell you which.
1. Naruto

Sometimes, being in a Central universe sucks. You'll just be walking down the street, minding your own business, when suddenly WHAM! Voldemort and his Death Eaters will invade your hometown, or Cyclonians will take you hostage, or a magic crystal will fall out of the sky and into your favorite dessert! And then you'll be stuck with the after-effects until everything is resolved. And I mean _everything._ You have to capture everyone and throw them back through the portal they came through, get rid of everything they brought with them, and then close the portal. Only then will the universe reset, undoing all damage and brining everyone back to life.

Who's in charge of all of this, you ask? Well, in every city in the world, there's one person that remembers these...crossovers. Everyone else forgets when the universe is reset, but not them. They get to enjoy the knowledge that their entire world isn't as it seems, that death isn't permanent, and that time and space mean nothing.

Oh, now you wanna know what I meant by Central universe? Well, if I _have _to...

A Central universe has many other universes connected to it through time and space, like the middle of a bike wheel and its spokes. Though the portals may be closed, the passageway is always there, waiting to be opened. The Spoke universes aren't connected to any universe except the Central universe, to prevent inter-universal conquest. It _is _possible to travel between Spokes by traveling through the Central, though, so the Watchers, as those who remember are called, must be ever-vigilant.

Like I said, sometimes it sucks. But sometimes, Watchers get to have a little fun. Watchers take on the traits of the visiting characters, you see, so some days they get to mess around with magic and others they get to mess around with advanced technology. And then there are those rather _special_ days when it's not a villain that visits, but a hero.

Those days, Watchers universally agree to mess around with the poor little darlings.

It's ever so fun to watch them when you drop secret plot information on them before it's happened. For instance...

-Too Lazy to Put A Line Break Deal With It-

"But Sasuke...", Naruto whined pitifully, looking with pleading eyes to the Uchiha, but the raven steadfastly ignored the blonde's fox-kit eyes. "No dobe, we're _not_ taking an arcade break.", Sasuke said firmly, "Our money is for mission use only.". "But we've already completed the mission.", Naruto pointed out, glancing at Sakura and pleading for backup with his eyes, "If we don't spend it, where'll it go?". "Probably back to that filthy-rich guy that hired us.", Sakura pointed out, also kinda hoping for a break before their journey back to Konoha, "Didn't seem like he needed it all that much...".

'_Give us a break or I'll hurt you!_', Inner Sakura raged.

Sasuke glared at Sakura, perhaps betrayed by her siding with Naruto or perhaps hearing Inner Sakura, but he finally relented. "Fine. But only a couple-", he started, then noticed the two weren't there anymore and finished lamely, "-games.". Then he noticed the money pouch was missing and raced after them before they did too much damage.

"Hello and welcome to the Starlight Arcade. My name is Sirius, how may I be of assistance?", the boy behind the counter queried. He looked about fifteen, his blue eyes hiding behind square glasses and his short brown hair ruffled up. "Is your name really Sirius?", Sakura asked curiously before Naruto could speak up, and the boy glanced side to side shiftily before stage-whispering, "Not really. It's just a gimmick.". Normally he said, "All employees at the Starlight Arcade are required to assume the name of a star or constellation, and then memorize information about it.". Glancing around again, he whispered, "Nobody really does.".

"Now then, what about you? Let's see, pink hair, a leaf headband, and a _very _distinct outfit. You must be Sakura Haruno!", the boy exclaimed, smiling widely, "Which means your blonde friend there is Naruto Uzumaki, and Mr. Duckbutt Hair there is Sasuke Uchiha!". Naruto glanced back to see Sasuke catch up with them, but Sakura was busy holding a kunai to the attendant's throat. "How do you know about us?!", she demanded hotly, but the attendant merely chuckled and said, "The better question is, _how much_ do I know?".

"Also good.", Sakura agreed, glaring slightly, but the attendant merely chuckled again and cleared his throat. "Sakura Haruno, chunin-level kunoichi of Konohagakure. A talented medical nin, a member of Team Kakashi, and slightly sensitive of your large forehead.", he listed, and Sakura's free hand flew to her forehead in indignation. The attendant smiled again and continued, "Ino gave you a red ribbon to draw attention away from your forehead and more to your intense kawaii-desu-ness, thus starting a friendship between the two of you. Five years later, though, you ended it due to you both having a crush on Sasuke there. A pity...".

Sakura's hand faltered.

"Additionally,", Sirius added, turning serious, ", you have a split personality.". Sakura's brow furrowed in confusion, whilst an interested Naruto and Sasuke tuned in even more. "On one hand there's you: outer Sakura. The face that everyone sees. On the other hand, there's inner Sakura: a mental representation of your true feelings or opinions of something.", he explained, "When Ino used her Mind-Body Switch Technique on you, inner Sakura repelled her from your body for you, suggesting she's an entirely different mental entity than you. These bouts of your inner self raging decrease exponentially after you start your apprenticeship with Tsunade, but they only decrease because you yourself violently explode with the emotions inner Sakura would express.".

Sakura dropped the kunai.

"I see she's come to a realization.", Sirius noted, "Good. Perhaps she'll sort it out sooner.". "Wow! That was amazing! You incapacitated Sakura just by talking!", Naruto exclaimed. "I'm surprised you find that amazing.", Sasuke noted, and Sirius remarked, "I'm surprised he knows what 'incapacitated' means.".

The two shared a smirk.

"Not nice!", Naruto yelled angrily, drawing the attention of a few patrons. Sirius waved to them cheerfully and they turned back to whatever they were doing. "Anyways,", Naruto continued excitedly, "Can you teach me how to do that?". "Sure. All you need is information that shocks someone enough to render them immobile. Has to be true though. For example...", Sirius started, then looked Sasuke in the eyes and said gravely, "Your brother was hired by the Hokage to kill your clan because they were planning on assassinating him and taking over Konoha to turn it into a military force bent on conquering the Elemental Nations.".

Sasuke twitched.

"See?", Sirius prompted Naruto cheerfully, "A twitch from him is like a full-out spazz attack for a normal person.". "Woooow...", Naruto breathed, then cheered, "Do me next!".

"Your father was the fourth Hokage.", Sirius deadpanned.

Naruto's jaw hit the floor.

"Tsunade, the fifth Hokage, is an Uzumaki by way of her grandmother, Mito Uzumaki, the wife of the First Hokage. You're related.", Sirius continued, not leaving his monotone.

The jinchurikki started swaying alarmingly.

"Technically, as the last of the main Uzumaki branch, you're the Uzukage of Uzushiogakure; the village hidden in Whirlpool.", Sirius finished.

The poor boy had foam forming in the corner of his mouth.

Sakura waved her hand in front of the blonde boy's face, raising an eyebrow when he didn't even flinch. She looked at Sirius and remarked, "Impressive. Though, I was more shocked then incapacitated. Got anything else?".

Sirius immediately thrust his phone in front of her face, a SasuNaru picture primed and ready. Sakura's face slowly changed color to match the claw marks on picture-Naruto's back, courtesy of picture-Sasuke, and it was with an incredibly shaky voice that she asked, "W-what's th-th-that?".

"Hot.", he answered promptly, "But most people call it yaoi.". Sakura twitched, then snatched the phone away and began scrolling through the rest of the pictures.

"And with that, my work here is done!", Sirius cheered, clapping loudly. The three ninja visibly snapped to attention (Sakura a bit less than the others), and Sirius instructed, "Now go, my nin, go and turn thine world upside-down with the information you now possess!". Pointing at Sakura, he cried, "Adapt medical-nin jutsus to be used as attacks! Combine your calling and Tsunade's teachings!". the pink-haired girl waved dismissively and gave a vague grunt of acknowledgement.

Switching to Sasuke, he crowed, "Seek not to avenge your clan, seek to restore it and its honor!". This got the dark-haired boy thinking, so Sirius counted it as a success. Finally, he turned to Naruto with a smirk and uttered the words that would change the Elemental Nations forever: "Pull the biggest prank ever seen in the Elemental Nations _on _the Elemental Nations! Rebuild Uzushiogakure is secret, perfect your clan's brand of fūinjutsu, and perhaps even befriend the nine-tailed fox!". Lowering his voice he prompted, "Hint hint, ask his name.".

Then, with a snap of his fingers, a swirling portal opened behind the three nin, pulling them back to Konoha. As the portal closed with a burst of light, Sirius sighed, "I love my job.".


	2. Harry Potter

"I'm telling you, something about that Portkey felt odd. The colors were wrong, it felt more like falling than spinning, and now we don't know where we are!", a male voice complained as he and his two friends wandered into a neon-colored building. "Come _on_, Ron! The Portkey was fine, it was just set wrong! Be sensible!", the bushy-haired girl walking beside him scoffed. Ron's retort was cut off, however, by a voice.

"You of all people, Miss Granger, should know that wizards who have even an ounce of logic are a rare commodity indeed.", Sirius remarked from behind the counter. They hadn't stopped walking during their argument, and as such they had wandered instinctively to the redemption counter for the arcade. Hermione immediately whipped her head around to stare at him, demanding, "How do you know my name?!".

"You're an inter-dimensional example to people about the dangers of time travel.", the boy deadpanned. He reached under the counter and pulled out a pamphlet with a wizarding photo of Hermione; the title was, '_What NOT to Do Five Minutes Before Now: A Comprehensive Warning about Time Travel_'. Showing it to them and ignoring Hermione's reddening cheeks, he switched to a bad, obviously-fake French accent and asked, "Did you hear about zat Hermione Granger girl? Used a Time Turner to save a hippogriff and zat Sirius Black fellow! All fit vis ze time paradox seory, but still! Totally irresponsible!".

"That is bloody amazing!", Ron said approvingly, which turned out to be the wrong thing to say. Hermione launched into a rant about her international slash inter-dimensional reputation.

"Time paradox theory?", Harry piped up, also ignoring Hermione, and Sirius explained, "A theory that states that, if the effects of a certain case of time travel have already happened, it _has_ to happen.". Seeing Harry's confused look, he continued, "Using what happened last year as an example, do you remember how Hermione hit you with that snail shell? The theory states that she _had _to go back in time so she'd be able to hit you with the shell. If she didn't, she wouldn't have been there to hit you with it, and so there'd be no way for it to happen. Make sense?". After a few seconds, Harry nodded. The boy smiled and said, "Good!".

Reaching under the counter again, he pulled out a stack of four books, each with Harry's name emblazoned on the spine, and a piece of paper with a pre-charmed Dictaquill. Sliding them over to the boy, Sirius said quickly, "This is an account of the next four years from your perspective. Read them over at your leisure, but the big things for this year are as follows: The Quidditch World Cup will be invaded by Death Eaters. Keep an eye out for a House Elf named Winky, she'll be ordered to steal your wand once the attack happens. Hogwarts will play host to the Triwizard Tournament this year, an incredibly dangerous series of three tasks. Mad-Eye Moody, who will really be a Polyjuiced Bartemius Crouch Junior, will Confund the Goblet of Fire into entering you under a fourth school. You'll do well the first and second tasks, but the third task will see you and Cedric Diggory, the Hogwarts champion, tie for first. The Cup will be a Portkey that leads to a graveyard; Pettigrew will kill Cedric and use your blood to resurrect old Moldybutt-", an arcade game burst into flames,"-and you'll duel. Your wands each have a phoenix tail feather core, both from Fawkes, which will render them useless against each other. Your two spells meeting will initiate a Priori Incantatem that will bring forward the ghosts of your parents and Moldybutt's-", the front window shattered," -other victims, who will distract him long enough for you to escape with Cedric's body.".

Harry had gone into a sort of informative coma, his emerald eyes glazed over as he absorbed this information. He blinked and shook his head just as the Dictaquill finished scratching the last letter onto the paper, and once the ink was dry Sirius folded the paper and gave it to Harry. "So, to recap. Winky and wand, Moody is Crouch, third task equals Cedric dying. Bad.", Sirius admonished, wagging his finger, and Harry snickered. Ron and Hermione had wandered a little ways away to have one of their tension-caused arguments, and after a quick glance, Sirius asked, "So...you and Hermione.", raising an eyebrow.

Harry immediately blushed, catching Sirius' meaning in an instant. "Well...", he began, a bit flustered, "I guess...I mean I've thought about her...in that way, sure, but...". He paused, embarrassed, then finished lamely, "She's like a sister to me.".

"No offence, but you're an only child.", Sirius pointed out.

Harry blinked once, very slowly, then gave a flat, "Shit.".

Laughing, Sirius agreed, "Indeed. Don't worry though, I think Ron would be just fine. Half-Blood Prince has him in a relationship with Lavender Brown, so there's that.". Sighing in relief, Harry agreed, "Yeah, I guess you're right.". "Great. Now, about your godfather.", Sirius began, pulling out another piece of paper and setting the Dictaquill up. Harry groaned, and Sirius assured him, Don't worry, this one's much shorter.".

Clearing his throat, Sirius said, "You're Sirius' cousin through your grandmother, Dorea Potter neé Black, his mother's aunt. This means you're the uncle of both Draco Malfoy and Nymphadora Tonks, you're related to the Weasleys because Molly and Sirius are cousins by marriage, and you're a candidate for the Head of House Black even if Sirius' Will _isn't _executed. On that note, get into contact with a classmate of yours, Susan Bones. Ask her to tell her Aunt Amelia, the Head of the DMLE, that Sirius never received a trial, and that he rotted away in Azkaban for twelve years for a crime he was never convicted of.". After the quill finished with that, and Harry was back in the land of the living, Sirius advised, "This isn't as important, but contact Gringotts and ask them about being a Head of House. Also ask them why you've not received any bank statements.".

"Do you know why?", Harry asked with a skeptical eyebrow raised, and Sirius conceded, "Of course, though it might be a bit much.". "Go ahead, I'm all ears.", Harry said, and Sirius shrugged before saying bluntly, "Albus Dumbledore has been purposely keeping you ignorant about wizarding affairs because there's a piece of Voldemort's soul stuck in your forehead.".

The poor boy fainted.

A quick Enervate fixed that problem, Sirius coming out from behind the counter and stooping down to help the shaky wizard to his feet. "Those two didn't even notice.", he remarked as Harry swayed again, absently letting the black-haired boy lean against him. a few minutes later Harry stood straight again under his own power, flashing a bashful grin at Sirius before asking, "So, I'm sorry, but what?".

Sirius laughed and said, "That's okay, it's a bit much for someone to handle. It's all in book seven, but basically, Voldemort split his soul and put pieces of it in six objects. You saw one of them down in the Chamber of Secrets. The rest of it was so unstable that, when your mother's sacrificial magic protected you, the positive emotion powering it bashed into the negativity of what remained of his soul and splintered a bit of it off, which anchored itself to you. That's why you've been having nightmares; you have a link into Voldemort's mind.". At Harry's panicked look Sirius reassured him quickly, "Don't worry, the goblins have a ritual to take care of it.". Harry calmed down significantly, and just in time too.

"Okay Harry, I've managed to find the spell to make a Portkey in one of my books, so we can be off now.", Hermione announced as she and Ron strode back over. Sirius' eyes widened in alarm, and he cried, "What?! But there's so much stuff I still need to tell you!".

And then a police box flashed into existence, an odd sound announcing its arrival.

The door opened to reveal Sirius, who waved to his doppelganger behind the counter, strode over to Harry, and smashed his forehead against the raven's. "Of course, that's just the general situation. Here's the details.", he remarked, then smashed their foreheads together again. With another cheery wave, he flounced back into the police box and closed the door. The box vanished soon after.

"Oh. Okay then.", a now-calm Sirius said, sounding relieved, "You can leave now.". "But...what was that?! Where did that police box come from?! Was that an advanced time turner?! And why did you head butt Harry?!", Hermione demanded, sounding frantic, but Sirius admonished, "Now now, you don't want _another _time travel pamphlet, do you?". Hermione flushed again and shut her mouth with a click. "Good.", Sirius said approvingly, plucking the Dictaquill from the counter and tapping it with his finger. It glowed blue for a moment before fading, and he handed it to the three students with a smile. They took hold of it without a word, not wanting to risk any more strangeness, and a moment later they vanished in a flash of pink light.


	3. Doctor Who

Sirius let his head fall into his hands with a groan of, "Oh fish fingers and custard.", as his latest customer stepped aside to reveal Rose Tyler and the tall man standing beside her. The girl's brow furrowed as Sirius said determinedly, "I'm not doing this. I'm _not _doing this. This is not a thing that I'm doing.".

"What's not a thing? What aren't you doing?", Amy asked, and Sirius snapped his head up to glare at the man beside Amy. "I'm not dealing with _him_. My situation is complicated enough without adding Time Lords to the mix.", he lamented, and the Doctor's face tightened ever-so-slightly. "Time Lords?", Rose asked in confusion, and Sirius supplied, "The Doctor's race. He's one of the only ones not frozen".

"You mean dead.", The Doctor broke in shortly, his expression grave, but Sirius corrected him, "No, I mean frozen. A couple of your future regenerations got together and froze Gallifrey in time. Still there, I'd wager.".

The Doctor blinked a couple of times, twitched, then queried, "Fish fingers and custard?". Sirius nodded and said, "Mmm hmm, Eleven is fond of the combination. Reminds him of his friendship with Amy and Rory.". "Right.", the Doctor said uncertainly, "And, Gallifrey...?". "Didn't burn. Time messed with your memories to, I don't know, preserve itself.", Sirius said dismissively, then asked, "Hey, can I borrow your TARDIS for a moment? I need to bash foreheads with a wizard.".

The TARDIS flashed into existence then, and from the doorway came another Doctor and Rose. "Use mine, it's here. Unlike this twit's.", the second Doctor scoffed, and the first Doctor protested, "Hey, we were kind of busy surviving being thrown into the time vortex. Which you remember perfectly well, I'd hope.". "And who's fault was that, Mr. 'I'll fix the latch later'?", the second Rose jibed, making the second Doctor blush and the first Rose groan. "D'you mean to tell me that you still haven't fixed it?", she asked the second Doctor in exasperation, who said defensively, "I've been busy making sure this minor paradox doesn't tear the time stream to shreds.". "If that's what a minor paradox does, I'd hate to see what a major one would do.", Sirius said as he exited the second TARDIS, "Thanks, by the way.".

Both Doctors froze, swiveling to face Sirius and asking in unison, "How'd you figure out how to make it go?". "She taught me.", he said with a shrug, and at their confused looks prompted, "The TARDIS.". When they didn't change, he sighed and said, "The TARDIS is sentient.".

The Doctors blinked and said, "We knew that.".

"Right.", the second Rose said skeptically, then pulled the Doctor back into their TARDIS by his collar and threw over her shoulder, "It's been fun, but we really have to get going. So much time to see and so little stuff to do it in. Ta!". The door closed, and their TARDIS vanished.

"On that note, we should go too. We have to relive this encounter as our slightly-future selves.", the remaining Rose grumbled, and Sirius smirked and asked, "Wouldn't want a paradox, would we?". "We wouldn't, that's true. See you earlier!", Rose said as she dragged her Doctor back into their TARDIS, which vanished a moment after.

After a few seconds of silence, Sirius fretted, "I hope they didn't mix the two Doctors up...".


End file.
